A Marriage Life

(http://www.bridebox.com/blog/wedding-flower-glossary-illustrated/)

When I was young, I thought that a wedding was the happiest moment in a girl's life. A plain girl met her fairy godmother who turned her into a beautiful girl. The girl then fell in love with Prince Charming. Next, the girl married Prince Charming. They lived happily ever after. The end. 

Well, most fairy tales end with the wedding between the girl with her Prince Charming. That's why most of female friends I know (well including myself) have started the relationship with starry eyes, head over the clouds of happily-ever-after ending. Yet, no fairy tales tell about the life after marriage. 

When a couple got married, they must do the marriage vow, no matter whatever their religions are. A marriage is a sacred union in every religion. Therefore, a marriage vow is a promise said in front of men and God. 

I ...., take you ....., to be my husband/ wife,

to have and to hold

from this day forward;

for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish,

till death us do part,

according to God’s holy law;

in the presence of God I make this vow.

(https://apracticalwedding.com/traditional-wedding-vows-examples/)

Many men and women say their vows with all their hearts when they do the wedding. But why do some marriages survive and some marriages fail? Why some people happily married and some people miserably married?

At first, when you got married, you must get rid 'me' mentality. There is no 'me' area again, there's only 'us' area. I have seen many couples got into big fights because of the 'me' mentality. Many couple think that their spouse don't understand them because they use their own way of thinking and demand their spouse to agree with them. They think love is when they got what they want. But what the Bible says about love? In 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, it says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

Well, I am not a theologian, but I think the verses above hold its truth. Let's discuss it more.

1. Love is patient, love is kind. 

First of all, the long description of love starts with  being patient. Why patient? Because the patience is the key of ever lasting relationship. None of us is a saint. Each of us has our own weaknesses and limit. But, if we have patience in us, we can broaden our limits.. (well sometimes). Anyway, I have learnt that snapping in anger (because of losing patience) will not bring the result of what I have expected. It is more effective to discuss the wrong doings of our partners in a gentle way without a trace of anger. How about when our spouse got angry to us? Well.. I have learnt also that yelling back in high note is not effective way to communicate. So, when I took the 'silent' route, I got a different result. Instead of yelling back, I calm down myself in other room, and go back to my husband to talk about our fighting. It is much more effective to talk in a non emotional way. It needs a lot of training and patience (.. sometimes.. you need patience of a saint). However, it is worth to try.

The second description is kind. Usually, a person who is patient is also kind. A definition of kind is 'generous, helpful, and thinking about other people's feelings' (source: http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/kind). So, 'patient and kind' always go together. Your husband/ wife is not perfect. There's a time when our spouse irritates us so badly or vice versa. It needs patience and kindness to accept each other's weaknesses and talk a way to communicate our feelings and thinking. It's not an easy task, but a marriage life is a life long learning process of understanding our spouse.

2. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Most of the dispute in the family happen when one of the husband or wife starting to feel jealous of their spouse's achievement, career or even earning. Vice versa,the problem will also arise when the husband or wife starts to look down to his or her spouse because he/ she  feels that he/ she has earned or achieved  more than his/ her spouse. 

3. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking
NEVER ever... publish your marital problems in the social media such as Facebook, Twitter etc. Each relationship must have some disagreements. But, publishing a status to attack your spouse is not a wise decision either. As a husband, a man must protect his wife from any harms including haters in social media. As a wife, a woman must keep the honor of her husband. Bad mouthing your spouse will not change your spouse. It will only make the case worse and it will also affect how people see you. I have  a friend who once had a 'war' with his wife in a social media.Then, the war went ugly. As a result, they ended in a divorce and all people knew the details about their marital problems. 

I know sometimes in the middle of a marriage, you have some dissatisfaction. You need to unload your anxiety to someone. Well.. I suggest you choose a trusted friend who can give you some good suggestion. A friend in need is a friend indeed 

4. It is not easily angered
I was very hot headed person when I was young. I had unstable emotion. However, the marriage has trained me to be more patient. I used to be panic and snap people when I got angry. However, I have got a better result when I started to sit down, count one to ten, and make a list of 'why I get angry'. This makes me not snapping people easily and avoid me from unreasonable excuses. When I try to communicate why I am upset about (especially to my husband), I get a better respond from my husband. He listens to me. So I think it's more effective to communicate your feeling in a calm tone than in angry tone.

5. It keeps no record of wrongs.
I know about some people who are not easy to say 'SORRY'. They think the word 'SORRY' is a weakness. Well.. I think the strongest persons in the world are the person who know about their flaws and strengths and dare to admit it. If you make a mistake, don't hesitate to say sorry. And if your spouse makes a mistake .. forgive them 70x7 ... (according to Bible - Matthew 18 v. 22), which means.. indefinite. It means also when your spouse had a dark past, don't ever bring it up in the quarrel. Correct the present mistake, not the past. Correct the misbehavior, not hate the person.

It's not an easy task to accomplish though. We have a hidden area in us, which are hurt in some ways. So, we sometimes seek revenge as the way we protect ourselves. I think the key here is an acceptance. Don't ever try to change your partner, your will get frustrated. See the reality before you get married to someone. Don't live in delusion of 'happily ever after'. If you have found 'the one', be realistic and accept the person the way he/she is. Embrace the good and bad side too. 

6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Before you get married, think carefully about your feeling. Some people that I know get married because they think their age is already up. Some others get married because of economic situation. Some others get married in the name of love, yet their personalities and lifestyles are clashed. They get into marriage life thinking they love their spouses, but soon.. they start to hate each other. Therefore, don't delude your brain and cloud your feelings with the word 'love'. Be sober, be wise in deciding your partner of life. 

If your partner hurts you, humiliates you physically and mentally; it means he/she has not loved you. Love is liberating. Love is protecting. Love has never plotted a revenge. If someone says 'I love you'; but he/ she beats  or humiliates you, then you should leave this person. This kind of person only can love himself.

7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I think the marriage oath to love, trust and protect must be the core of every marriage. Some people may lose these objectives some way in the marriage life. Some get back their objectives to love their spouses. Some replace the old love with the new love and end in  adultery or divorce. Love must be cultivated. It needs efforts, time and a lot of energy. Being the same person that your husband/ wife fall in love with you for the first time is challenging. We all grow older. We may change physically. But we should be wiser too. Charm your spouse with new witty way, surprise your spouse, and make your spouse fall in love with you every day. Rekindle the flame every day. The reward will be priceless. 

8. Love never fails.
I believe if you give love, you will receive love. Sometimes our spouse may not understand you, while the outsider will seem to understand you better. However, if you seriously commit to your marriage, don't ever let an outsider come between you and your spouse. Once, you let an outsider come in your marriage life, the marriage life will surely crumble down.


Remember the old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side"? When we try to find a perfect partner of life, we will be disappointed. So, stop comparing your wife/ husband with other women/ men. No body's perfect!

But if we focus to be the best partner for our spouses, our marriage life will be fruitful and blissful. May these thoughts inspire you. God bless. 

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